How
To Get Through The 5 Stages Of Marriage
Happily Wedded Life
All marital unions are not created equal — but
they all go through some predictable stages. The timing may differ, and
the way a couple manages the phase they’re in varies, but understanding
the stages, says Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist,
gives you the tools you need to move through with your loving union intact.
Stage 1: Honeymoon
Usually the first year or two (or three, depending
on the arrival of children as well as whether you lived together beforehand)
is a passion-fueled period that’s all about the two of you and your intense
focus on the attraction that made you want to walk down the aisle to begin
with.
The Challenge
As much as this stage is full of lovely things
like lust, affection and late-night romps, you’d be wise to also use this
time to cement your sense of coupledom outside the bedroom. Who are you,
as a couple? Spend time figuring out how you envision the rest of your
marriage.
Stage 2: Settling In
This encompasses what DeMaria calls the realization
stage, during which you learn things you might not have known (or happily
ignored) about your spouse’s strengths, weaknesses and personal habits.
Also in this post-honeymoon, pre-children stage, power struggles can arise
as the two of you work toward both separate and shared goals.
The Challenge
As the shine fades a bit and reality sets in,
you need to safely navigate what can be the first divorce danger zone of
a young marriage, says Beverly Hyman, Ph.D., coauthor of How to Know If
It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. “After a couple
of years, too many couples find that their values and goals aren’t always
on the same page.”
Stage 3: Family
Welcome to the “meat” of marriage — the years
most couples spend raising their families, buying a home, building and/or
changing careers and all-around trying to hold a busy, crazy modern life
together. “This can be another danger time,” says Hyman. “You may have
a couple of kids, a mortgage, demanding jobs — this puts enormous strain
on the resources of a marriage.”
The Challenge
“Pay close attention to your marriage,” advises
Hyman. Don’t assume your relationship will be OK if one or both of you
is on autopilot. “One thing that’s essential to building an enduring marriage
is open, honest and tender communication,” she adds. Give yourselves a
chance to communicate by — if you have to — scheduling together time or
planning a regular date night.
Any Time: Explosion
This is less of a discrete stage than the others,
says DeMaria, because it can happen at any time in a marriage. It’s when
major life stressors interrupt the forward motion of your life together
— such as fertility issues, a death in the family, a major illness or the
loss of a job that leads to serious economic upheaval.
The Challenge
Seek support, both separately and together, depending
on the situation. Never feel you have to power through problems on your
own, or your marriage may suffer. Seek advice and guidance from friends,
family members, religious counselors or professional therapists. “Pay attention
to your own physical and emotional health and well-being,” says DeMaria.
Stage 4: Just You Two
Some call this stage the “empty nest,” but that
implies that your home is devoid of love (i.e. empty) after your children
grow up and leave. Hopefully, it’s not that way (though it can be). In
the best scenario, this stage is about reunion, says DeMaria. “You are
getting to know each other all over again, unpacking old baggage and having
fun.”
The Challenge
Assuming you’ve weathered the earlier storms of
marriage, this time can be exhilarating. But many couples find it a struggle
to be together again with nothing else to concentrate on. Spend some time
figuring out things you can do together and apart. If the issue is that
you’ve ignored resentments toward your partner while you were busy with
work and kids, you’ll need to be honest about these thorny problems, says
Hyman.
Stage 5: You Did It!
You’ve enjoyed the lust, lived the love and come
through the chaos of family life — without splitting up in the face of
troubles. You’ve reached what DeMaria calls “completion,” a stage that
retired, empty-nest couples who still enjoy being together can bask in
for the rest of their lives.
The Challenge
Continue to show each other affection and attention.
Remember, says Hyman, if you’ve remained a loving, harmonious couple, you
won’t have an empty nest for long. Children and grandchildren gravitate
back to the happy home they remember.
Autopsy
Of A Marriage
By
Woman's Day |